Back away from the weight tape!

Son of a turkey caller, the DOR has dug out the weight tape.
She is keeping a closer watch on our weight. Actually she is mostly concerned about the mushfaces, she wants to make sure they don't loose any weight over the winter. I can understand that, they need special care and to keep their weight up. I can also understand her wanting to keep track of Harley's weight, after all "pretty boy" has a fit if he has any mud on him. Heaven help us all if he ends up packing a few extra pounds or starts showing some ribs-he will be impossible to live with.
So here comes the DOR to measure us all and get our weights. Salty stands like a good guy and the DOR gets the job done quickly, jotting numbers down in a book. No I am not telling any weights, it would be rude, but we all weigh over 1,000 pounds. Some of us weigh quite a bit over a 1,000 pounds. The DOR moved on to Freedom. She was working on getting the tape around him and he was busy helping. He kept grabbing the end in his mouth and tugging it every time the DOR reached under him to grab it. After several times of teasing her he gave her a break. Actually I think he wanted to go back to eating his mush-if it had been me I would have kept it up until she cracked. When the DOR went to measure Harely we all watched...how much did pretty boy weigh, would he be put on a diet, would he cry if he was overweight? Nothing great happened. Harley stood nicely, got measured, read his weight, sighed and went back to eating. Where is the joy? We were all hoping for something, but were disappointed.
The DOR headed over to me...not happening, not weighing in. Why would I? I have been called slightly plump, been told I am ripe, and nick named the WWB (wide white butt) there is no way anyone is getting anything else to tease me about. So out comes the tape and off I go. I figure that the DOR will give up if she has to chase me. No such luck, I forgot that her heart is better, she is in it for the long haul. I can't keep running, no I am not tired, Harley is getting my hay, yep that is the reason. When the DOR goes to put the tape around me I blow marbles (this is when I snort like I am going to launch to the moon), so she decides that she will rub the tape all over me. I hate that tape and I don't want it touching me so I dance around. She keeps rubbing me until I stand still. She didn't measure me...she said she needs a bigger tape! She said she will do it later. Until them I am practicing sucking in my gut so I will read smaller on the tape. If I am too much overweight she will put me on a diet and I want my treat tub.
I may need to call weight watchers, but I don't know what good they will do. My DOR has been watching my weight and I am still a bit hefty, maybe it will work because there is a whole herd watching my weight. I guess I need to be conscious about my weight since I am running for President, but still a guy has to eat.
Enjoy your day and don't forget to hug your DOR